customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
From my Mom
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.