Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Good point.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
lmfao come on
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
iPhone X
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.