just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
You Might Also Like
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
I missed you with all my darts
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through