me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.