Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
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My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
#Caturday
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
that lip filler tho
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Fights fire with marshmallows
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person