This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
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Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir