No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap