Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*