My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
where the womens at?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?