I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
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Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.