I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.