Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
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What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi