Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
You Might Also Like
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
23. the denim jacket
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
good work, everybody
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.