The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
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(Electricians.)
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.