*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
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The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
scared to check what name she chose
Don’t we all.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who鈥檚 been asked what鈥檚 in their mouth.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 馃憤
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 馃槀
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it鈥檚 a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don鈥檛 you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn鈥檛 care what the weather was going to do
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.