I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I mean…but I did
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars