Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.