I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist