I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I have never heard an armadillo before.