The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
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SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha