Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.