My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
kevin is now a local weatherman
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.