“No way.” -Jose
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting 鈥淪HIT PANTS鈥漖
Me: It was just time for a change.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I鈥檒l be the first to go in next apocalypse
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they鈥檒l always have my heart.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Accidentally sent a guy a 馃槈 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won鈥檛 hit you with it.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 馃檨
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Dr Suess isn鈥檛 that special. watch this:
I鈥檓 mad and sad and doing very bad
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?