People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
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I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR