They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
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Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
selena gomez
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.