*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
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Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
man i love columbo
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
If you’re testing me, we failed.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?