When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 馃槶
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The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Man: I鈥檒l have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it鈥檚 only a 14 hour drive?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I鈥檓 wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won鈥檛 ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That鈥檚 like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.