Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
You Might Also Like
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
What a chick magnet..
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017