Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Oceanography is all about current events
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest