Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Think I pulled my liver
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”