ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
You Might Also Like
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.