Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You Might Also Like
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true