I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.