Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
me doing my best
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
courtroom exchange of the day
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.