I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
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*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
saw this in a dream
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
oh you wanna fight?!
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?