So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.