Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.