I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
You Might Also Like
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Potatoes were such a good idea
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh