Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
You Might Also Like
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Do not go gentle into that good night,
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.