Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?