And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”