Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat