I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
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OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
the dark web is just a goth google.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Was it something I said?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?