me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end