we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
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Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
What about second breakfast?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.