I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.