I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway