Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!