Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
yeah not falling for this one
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.