It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
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Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.